So, someone you love has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. What now?
96When my father was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in 2004, it was, of course, a shock to us all. Although he was 74 at the time of his diagnosis, he seemed healthy, hale and hearty, and none of us expected to hear that he had six months to a year to live.
Although I'd spent the better part of a decade half a world away, I moved back in at my folks' request to be my dad's primary caregiver, and in the roller-coaster of the next few months, we all laughed, cried, and learned a lot of lessons. I'd like to share a few of them with you.
Ask for the bad news first, and ask for it straight, no chaser. Your doctor will take his or her cues from you. If you ask him, he will tell you. Ask him. You need to hear it. You need to be armed with the facts. Knowing the prognosis will determine the quality of the time you and your loved ones have together.
Face it. Trust me. You don't have a lot of time, and while there's that one in a million case where you beat the cancer, no one beats death. Facing it allows you to make important decisions on how you, as a family, want to spend the time you have left together, however much time that might be.
Allow yourself to freak out. Freak out as a family, if possible. Try to understand that as devastating as a diagnosis of stage four inoperable cancer is, it's also an opportunity to cut the bullshit. To say the things you've been meaning to say, to forgive and be forgiven, to love and care for one another. This is precisely what family and friends are for.
Be Open. Be honest. If you're having trouble coping, talk about it. Talk to your priest, pastor, or Rabbi. Talk to those sharing this terrifying journey with you. Talk to the one who is dying. We are all afraid. Say what you are thinking and share what you are feeling, and you will discover that we are all thinking and feeling much the same way.
Discuss and debate treatment options openly. Not only should you educate yourself and each other and help each other ask all relevant and pertinent questions, but be critical with the answers. Consider seriously whether so-called palliative treatments will really have the desired effects.
Chemotherapy and radiation treatment may or may not extend the life of your loved one. Even if such treatments do extend life minimally, it is worth asking and discussing openly how they will impact the quality of life.
It is quality of life, not quantity that matters. We seem to have been conditioned to judge life by longevity, but in the case of a prognosis of six months to a year, like my father had, the question becomes how best to spend the time we have together.
Be here now. Let go of the idea that hope is in our future together. Hope is here and now, and it's measured not in the future time we have together, but the present moment we share. In ordinary acts of courage. In striving to go deeper into the moment, to share more of ourselves more openly, more honestly, more fearlessly than we have up to now.
Bury the hatchet. If you have issues you've been carrying around, now's the time to forgive and forget. All families have troubles, and personalities clash. If you need to get something off your chest, do it, but do it with a generous spirit. Anything you do out of spite will come back to haunt you.
Simple things mean a lot. My sister came out from California to visit for a week when she found out about dad. Before she left, she gave him a worry stone--no bigger than a silver dollar--and told him, whenever he was afraid or felt alone, take hold of the stone and she'd be there with him in spirit. And that was an incredible comfort to him to his last days.
Accept that life is going on around you. The world will not stop turning no matter how terrible things get. Your kids still need to get to school every morning. There are weddings and funerals and graduations and projects due. Appreciate what time people have to share with you, and understand their obligations.
Live. Continue to live. Encourage your loved ones to do the same. Including your loved one with cancer. Take time if you are a caregiver for yourself. Go to the gym, jog, take a drive, go to lunch with your friends, see a movie.
When in doubt, always go deeper into life. Don't deny or set to the side the extraordinary thing you are now a part of. Share it openly with the loved ones who are taking this journey with you.
Remember: people with terminal cancer are under enormous physical and emotional pressure... They will not always be pleasant, they may sometimes be cruel. On the one hand, as a family member, friend, or caregiver, you have to constantly remind yourself of the extraordinary difficulties they are facing. If you feel you are going to either implode or explode, reach out to a family member, friend, pastor, or caregiver immediately.
...but so are their caregivers. On the other, you have a right to demand that everyone, including your loved one with cancer, treat each other with dignity and respect. You have every right to ask that your loved one with cancer not verbally abuse or mistreat you. If they do, discuss it with them, but do so, again, with generosity and love.
You will have conflicting feelings. That's OK. There's a lot going on, emotionally, especially towards the end. You may find yourself thinking about your life without your loved one with cancer, and this might feel wrong. But it's necessary. You may feel relieved when death comes, maybe even elated. Later you may feel guilty for having been happy it's over. But these are normal feelings. If you need help coping, family, friends, pastors, and social workers can all be of help. Seek them out.
Use your faith as a light to guide you, not as a shield to hide behind. Whatever your belief system, it should serve you now as a way to experience the time you have together as deeply, openly, honestly, and lovingly as possible.
Religion can sometimes be a form of escape. And that's OK. But if it hinders open and honest communication about what you are going through, it's not helping you or your loved ones.
My family's pastor, a friend of our family whom I have known practically all my life, gave my mother this excellent advice: don't pray for your husband to live. Pray for God's will to be done.
The miracle is the time we have together in this life, however long it ends up being.
Strange as it may seem, as terrible as a prognosis of six months to a year is, it could be worse. Here's what I mean. When someone dies suddenly, without warning, you don't get to have one last trip to the ballpark with them. You don't get to sit and hold their hand and watch Jeopardy! and shout out the answers together. You don't get to tell them you love them, to hold them, to hear the stories they have to tell, to be with them through a momentous passage. To laugh and joke, weep, argue and fuss. To live.
Always remember: this moment is a gift.
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As an adult, this is my first experience dealing with a loved one that is dying. Today will be my last visit and I wanted guidance. Sharing your thoughts and comments gave me the strengh to prepare myself and my daughter - (her grandaughter) Life is a gift - every moment counts.
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im 13 years old and my grandfather is terminly ill. i cant coap with it. i cry off and on. any suggestions?
What about the Iman??????????????Fastest grwoing religion in the world is ISLAM ALHAMDULILLAH!
What about the Iman??????????????Fastest grwoing religion in the world is ISLAM ALHAMDULILLAH!
I'm 18, and I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half, and we love each other more than anything, and I'm so scared that she might not make it. I couldn't picture my life without her and it's so hard. We just lost our son. And now I am not even sure how long she has. We made plans to move in with each other and marry, finish college and grow old together. And now it seems like all is lost. Thank you for this post. It does help cope a little.
I'm not sure if you ever check this posting anymore but thank you for your courage in sharing. We found out a few days ago that my healthy, hearty and hale father has terminal cancer. My parents can't accept this yet and are hoping for miracle cures. My dearest hope is that the doctors can find a way to prolong his life but still allow him to keep his dignity in this process. I have been blessed to know him.
I found out six weeks ago that my healthy strong mother has stage four lung cancer. She does not want to know her prognosis just what she has to do to beat it. Only my brother and I know. She doesn't want anybody to know and feel sorry for her. She is so postive and strong its amazing. This past weekend though the chemo has her down. It is the bardest thing in life to watch someone go through this.
thankyou for taking the time to write this.my mother has been diagnosed with lung cancer,an aggressive type as well.I cry and feel terrible as my father died 4 years ago and i feel so scared of being alone.i have friends but mum has asked me to keep it quiet as she dont want pity and the tilted head comments,which i do understand.
What was first thought of as some bacteria or infection was a few weeks found out to be pancreatic cancer in my grandad, then today, they did more tests and found out it's terminal cancer in also the stomach and liver. Mum was crying. I haven't cried at all because it's very unbelievable...how your loved one can be in a terminal stage before they knew they were sick...
A few days ago I found out a friend was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It is hard to write down my feelings because there are so many. This friend is an amazing person who has done so much for so many people. I want to help her and her family but I honestly don't know what to do.
My father was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer on 19th May 2008 and the doctor informed him he had at most 3 months to live. My dad passed away exactly a year to the day he was diagnosed on 19th May 2009. My life will never be the same without him. It was the hardest year of my life seeing my father dying of this horrible disease. It was so nice to read your article which I found to be most helpful. As time goes by they say it gets easier but it doesn't. I miss my father so much. One thing that can never be taken is my memories and my dad will continue to be a part of my life until the day that I die.
Today reality hit me, one of the most important people in my life, my grandfather, has been diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer and spots on his lung. I don't know how to deal with this …. I just cry all the time and feel soooo lost. I lost my Father, Grannies and a grandfather before, but they were all unexpected deaths (and that was hard to deal with), but I have never had to watch someone I love, get sick and die …. how does someone cope with this? Your words mean so much and made me realise that we MUST make the most of the time we have with him and make new memories that will help when he's ill and then not with us any more. I just hurt so much.
This post has enlightened me a lot. It's excellent advice. Thank you for posting it.
thankyou so much i have read this and feel much better. my father in law has just been told that he is terminally ill with stage four lung cancer that has spread to his neck and lymph system and this is scary. i know every one eventually dies but i want him to experience quality of life until the end. i will take this advice thankyou.
It's really hard to read this blog you wrote... Because I know you're right...
My boyfriend was diagnosed with a brain tumor on March and his prognosis is 2 years at best. He was left with severe sequels of how the tumor manifested itself... He can't move the right part of his body and can't talk, but amazingly we've figure out a way to communicate... We love each other so much and I want to believe there's a chance for us, a chance he gets better (because he can with therapy, not from the cancer but from the paralysis and speech), a chance to have a life together and do what all the normal couples do. The problem is that sometimes he feels so depress, he doesn't want to do anything, doesn't like it when he feels someone stares at him and it's hard for him, with his new limitations, to enjoy life. He wants to do really hardcore physical therapy once he finishes his chemotherapy treatments and I'm all for it. I mean it's part of the illusion.
I don't know how to stop this horrible pain I feel because I can't do anything... I'm in my last year of med-school and I know the only thing that could actually save him is a miracle...
But still, when we are together, not going out for the reasons I told you before, we have a great time, always, of course we've had our fights but I can't even remember the last one... We live like in this cloud of illusions, reality far away from us and we are just happy... The problem is when I have to face reality and accept that the tumor will probably show again really soon...
Sorry I wrote so much but I just don't know how to stop hurting, I don't know how to be ready when he leaves me, I don't want any other man, I don't want to love anyone else and it's effing frustrating to know it will never be, us will never be... Will never get married with him, will never have his children...
And then comes faith... It's funny that your pastor said to your mother what my mother always tells me... But I always pray for God's will to be that my boyfriend stays here on earth... I want to believe a miracle is possible but at the same time I get what you say and I don't want to hide myself from reality...
I'm sorry to write this huge letter... I don't even know why I did... I guess I just want to hear what someone who's have something like this happened thinks...
Thanks so much for your advices...
I love whoever wrote this. Needed it today.
my husband has stage 1V lung cancer.and it has spread elsewhere..The problem is my husband is loosing his voice and can onky whisper now...this is driving him mad...and has terrible outbursts of frustration and anger...generally towards me..Thats not the problem) and on top of that.now i have noticed he is having difficulty swallowing..and makes the most loud noises that seem to come from his throat...like burping but worse...Doctors cannot do anything for his voice...Is there anyone out there who has experienced this with a loved one and was or is there any remedy for it?...I am constantly feeling useless..watching my husband gradually deteriate ....
Thank you!!
How right you are. Mom, Take Aunt candy to Vegas and let her play high limit. Y'all know she loves to gamble. I'm sure that is something she has always wanted to do. I love Aunt Candy. Live life to your fullest. Love Mark in Washington.
THANKS FOR WRITING ABOUT YOUR DAD. MY MOM DIED FROM LEUKEMIA WHEN I WAS A YOUNG CHILD .MY HUSBAND HAS AMYLOIDOSIS AND AFTER HAVING 2 STEM CELL TRANSPLANTS(USING HIS OWN STEM CELLS) HE IS STILL ALIVE.IHAVE BREAST CANCER BUTTHANK GOD I AM DOING O.K. I KNOW THAT GOD IS IN CONTROL AND THIS TO SHALL PASS, I THANK GOD FOR EACH BREATH AND ALL THE PARTS OF MY BODY AND LETTING ME LIVE ANOTHER DAY. WE AREN'T PROMISED FOREVER ON THIS EARTH JUST ONE DAY AT A TIME, I BELIEVE IN HEALING THERE ARE 3 KINDS OF HEALING INSTANT, GRADUAL AND THE FINAL HEALIG WHEN WE GET TO HEAVEN.
i forgot to mentio my cousin died from throat cancer (NON SMOKER) AT EARLY AGE .MY NIECE 45 YRS OLD HAS HAD BREAST CANCER STILL LIVING MY NEPHEW HAS TERMINAL BRAIN CANCER AGE 52, CANCER HAS NO RESPECT OF PERSONS BUT AGAIN I REPEAT GOD IS IN CONTROL .KEEP THE FAITH AND KEEP HOLDING ON.
I was really touched and comforted by the stories here. I just became a full time care giver for my father back in March of this year. He was diagnosed with a brain tumor at the age of 77. We have learned some valuable lessons along the way. Keep your eyes on the Lord Jesus. He gives us comfort and faith to face every difficulty. He enables us to keep the joy. Be upbeat around your loved one because this helps him to be upbeat and to share more. Enable him or her to have things to look forward to because this makes them happy. Share feelings together and enable each other to express their thoughts. Finally, if you find yourself getting too stressed as a caregiver then take a break. I am finding that due to spending too much time with my father that I am getting angrier with him because I am frustrated when I want him to do some exercises that will help him and he complains that he wants to go down stairs and sit and do nothing.
Technically, it's Christmas Day.. It is 2:12am. I haven't gone to bed yet, so it still feels like Christmas Eve. I found out a few days ago that my father is dying of terminal cancer. We've been estranged for many many years and Christmas Eve was the first time we've spoken since 1997 or 98. I can't remember, frankly.
I have forgiven him (and only today did I do that) for abandoning me and being a dead beat dad. I guess he's got his own ghosts to attend with.
I am now grieving for the father that I will not get to know.. I feel so horrible for not speaking to him all of these years. I have never really talked to anyone who knew they were going to die.
He was so happy to hear from me... I can't get his happiness and shock out of my head. I have been crying off and on all damn day.. I am supposed to see family tomorrow/today for Christmas but I am not up to it..
I am so full of sorrow....
Good night.. and Merry Christmas.....................
i have stage 3 multiple myloma...lots of pain and anguish ..drs say no one can say how long i will live..i am so weak.. my faith in God is all i have..these messages help me to understand everyone feels fear and needs support from family and friends. thanks for posting.
just found out a couple months ago my dad has stage 4 lung cancer and hes' in so much pain the docs gave him 12 to 15 months but dad says he can feel the cancer eating away at him and he knows he won't be he last as long as he was told, i lost my best friend my brother almost 3 years ago never got the chance to say goodbye or tell him how much i love him, i know the pain i feel but what i cant imagine is what my poor mom is going thru..dads looks like the perfect bill of health he wont lie when he hurts bad but know matter what he tries to keep that sence of humor and smile on his face, I try to be strong for my family but at times i just jump in my car and head to the lake and just cry.. I know that there is an after life waiting for us but saying goodbye till we meet again is just the saddest words ever, i pray for any and everyone going thru difficult times. May Gods love surround you and his peace fill your lives forever amen
My mother has just been told she has lung cancer,shes had a ct scan and lung test and needs more tests,shes devastated and as we live together im trying my best to stay strong,we dont know much else right now many more tests yet,but the specialist allready told me its cancer,theres a mass on one side and a nodual on the other,my father passed 21yrs ago and i know hes waiting for mum but it still so very painfully sad for me and my family,god bless all of you out there going through this ,were living a terrible knightmare.x
THANKS FOR SHARING THIS WITH US , i m 23 years old and we discover that my husband has a troat cancer stage 2 , i dont know what happened that doctor told us they cant do anything for him now , 5 month chemo and now they said he had an infection which took the body and 3 month left, i dont know how can i live my life without him, we just marry and nearly 8 month we love each other alot and i dont know how can i face this night mare...
I was reading and reflecting back to when my husband was going through with his colon cancer. Everyone was calling and coming by and checking on him. It took my nephew to say to me one day "Auntie, I know everybody is asking about Uncle John and making sure he is ok. I just want to know How are you doing? Who is taking care of you?" This is when I had my first cry since we had found out about the cancer. I am saying this to say to everyone, check in on the caregiver too. We need to be taken care of also. NO ONE knows what we go through and sacrifice when we are taking care of our love ones. Please let's not forget about them. :-)
jannyrose 4 years ago
Thank you so much. We heard tonight that my brother in law is terminally ill. It's hard to know what to say or how much. But you have good insights to this time that we will all share. I wish society as a whole would be more open about this most natural and inevitable time we will experience. Death is still whispered about and not spoken of in direct terms. That's sad. Thank you for sharing!